


My Love Has Two Lives

by AceQueenKing



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi, Polyamory, Virmire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 03:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3472229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceQueenKing/pseuds/AceQueenKing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashley doesn’t know what to do. But she knows enough to know that this situation was never covered in the Alliance handbook.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Love Has Two Lives

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RestlessBluebird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RestlessBluebird/gifts).



Ashley has a problem, and that problem is Shepard.

Maria Shepard’s the nicest CO she’s ever had. Maria ignores the “Williams-yes- _those_ -Williams” curse hanging over Ashley’s head. Maria talks to her like she’s special.

Maria makes her feel like she could do anything. Be anything.

Maria is the most dangerous person Ashley knows.

Maria’s also the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen. She’s always been into men, but Maria – muscle-sleek and heavy-eyed – makes her heart beat fast.

It’s a feeling that is heady and deep. She doesn’t say anything, but can’t help her self from bumping her shoulder against Maria’s as they slip past each other in the mess.

After a few too many near-misses on Therum, she and Shepard stay up late, talking poetry.

“My favorite poet? Whitman, ma’am.” She says, chewing on what should be peanut butter and jelly, but tastes more like ass.

She leans back and recites her favorite verse:

_"I am he that aches with amorous love_

_Does the earth gravitate? Does not all matter, aching, attract all matter?_

_So the Body of me, to all I meet, or know._ ”

“Very nice, Williams.” Maria chuckles. “But I’m more into Sappho.”  
  
“Ma’am?”

Maria smiles, and gives her own verse:  
  
“ _For even if she flees, soon she shall pursue._

_And if she refuses gifts, soon she shall give them._

_If she doesn’t love you, soon she shall love._ ”

Maria moves, N7 quick, and then  _Maria_   _is kissing her_.

There’s a heavy, pounding noise in her ears; the music of her heart.

\- - -

Ashley has a second problem, and that problem is Kaidan Alenko.

Specifically, how she feels about him.

Kaidan’s not like Shepard. He’s quiet – easy to miss.

But he’s also sweet, conscientious and smart. He has a good read on any given situation, and seems able to blend in with the Normandy’s alien crew as easily as he does with Pressley or Adams.

If Maria is the sun of their squad – ever-burning, inspiring them all – then Kaidan is their moon, calm and encouraging.

And if her stomach flips over how his skin wrinkles about his eyes as he smiles and the way he scratches his neck when embarrassed, well, that’s something she just has to deal with.

The problem is that it’s something that Maria is dealing with, too.

Maria tries to hide it, but she can see it. The way that Maria hangs out just a bit too long outside of Kaidan’s station, the way her eyes shine when she and Kaidan talk strategy.

And Kaidan’s tides, slowly but surely, are pulling her in as well.

Talking to him is unbearable, even if the words are nice. His intent  _hurts_.

“Williams…You’re a hell of a soldier.” He smiles. “I’m glad you’re with us, against Saren.”

“Thanks.” She smiles, and ignores the blush of her cheeks. “It’s nice, feeling wanted. Weird, but…nice.”

“Look, I know…You and Maria…” He chuckles. “Well, I’m not blind. But…”

He smiles, but there is no joy in it;  _Love is universal migraine_ , she thinks. “I am jealous.”  
  
“I uh…” She ducks under his arm, toward the CIC. “I’ve got to go.”  
  
And as she runs away, her boots are like thunder on the plains of Sirona.

A storm is brewing in her heart.

\- - -

Ashley Williams has a heart stuffed too full of love.

Her heart hurts, her sex aches. The looks, the touches: they inflame her, and each makes her feel the guilty of a lover scorned.

On Noveria, she can’t stand it anymore.

“ _My love has two lives, in order to love you.”_ She says, and kisses Maria – soft, sweet, and chaste.

Then, she turns to Kaidan – first glancing to Maria, who gives her the slightest of nods – and kisses him.

And his lips taste like sweat and steel.

Maria’s arms close around her back as Kaidan’s circle her front.

Maybe it’s the Rachni acid burning through her suit, but their touch strikes a fire in her, and blood trembles in her ears.

\- - -

Ashley doesn’t have a plan on Virmire. No one would.

Her lungs hurt as they barrel through the tower. Kirrahe screams commands on her right.

She fires her gun. Fires until her trigger finger aches, until even her pistol overheats.

Kirrahe looks at her, shakes his head.  _Not enough_.

“I know. But if we’re going out, let’s stick it to these sons of bitches!”

A deafening cheer from the salarians warms her blood, and they take out krogan after krogan in a hail of gunfire.

But it’s not enough.

After six more rounds, they’re down to half their numbers, and the krogan just keep on coming.

And Ashley doesn’t need Shepard’s bad news to tell her they’re running out of time.

“Go back for him, skipper. You  _know_  it’s the right thing to do.”

Ashley doesn’t listen to Maria’s reply; instead, she just closes her eyes and prays.  
  
_Please God, help Kaidan and Maria. Keep them safe. And mom and the girls, make sure they’re OK.._ _Dad, I’ll see you soon. Hope you’re proud_ _of your little girl_ _._

When Maria shows up a few minutes later, Ashley is as surprised as anyone else. The salarians let out a cheer.

“What are you doing?” She shouts. “We have to go back for Kaidan.”  
  
“Getting that bomb off is the priority, Ash. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Maria, we have-“  
  
“No.” Shepard shakes her head. “We can’t. He…he has to do this. The bomb is the priority. Without that, Saren…” She looks away.   
  
Ashley slams her hand into the bulkhead, but doesn’t look away.

She owes Kaidan that much.

Shepard touches her shoulder, but her touch is unwelcome, cold.

When the bomb does go off – a dazzling pyrotechnic display, even from as far away as they are – the Salarians cheer again.

But all Ashley hears is the constant drumming of her broken heart.

“ _A cold sweat covers me_

_Trembling seizes my body_

_and I am greener than grass_

_Lacking but little of death do I seem.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Notes:
> 
> Written as a Prompt fic for restlessbluebird on tumblr... months ago, whoops. Prompt was **Brontide** \- The low rumbling of distant thunder.
> 
> Lots and Lots of poetry references in this one, mostly because where can you be a poetry nerd if not in Ashley’s PoV?
> 
>  _“I am he that aches with amorous love”_ : Walt Whitman, “I am he that aches with amorous love”
> 
>  _“For even if she flees, soon she shall pursue...”_ : Sappho's “Deathless Aphrodite of the Spangled Mind”
> 
>  _“Love is universal migraine”_ : Robert Graves’ “Symptoms of Love”
> 
>  _“My love has two lives, in order to love you...”_ : Pablo Neruda, “Sonnet XLIV”
> 
>  _“A cold sweat covers me…Lacking but little of death do I seem.”_ : Sappho, “He is More than a Hero”


End file.
